The Editor Spreads Some Wiz

Carl Zimmerman



Does everybody feel the LOOOVE?!!!!!!! Widespread Panic baby. Pretty cool concert, kid from the coffee shop told me to check it out. Anyways folks reason I'm writing is that I share with you a few words that might just compel you.

I'm starting to think that maybe I should think about the other guy every now and then. Hey listen, next time you're at a bus stop with a stranger, give'em a pat on the back, will ya? You'll thank me for it!

Pat Robertson to Sponsor Full Throttle Jet Boots

by J. Grendel McMainderson



In a commercial to air Monday night during Monday Night Football, televangelist Right-wing media personality Pat Robertson will endorse Full Throttle Jet Boots. His Billy Mays-esque thirty-second time slot features Robertson using the Boots in a variety of scenarios, including late-for-work, missed-the-bus, and canceled-the-flight. The spot will air on more channels later this week with radio, television, Internet, and public transportation ads following soon.

When accused of "selling out" by many Christian leaders for the use of the slogan "Jet Boots bring you closer to God," Robertson was dismissive. "I think the Almighty understands that I do what I do only to serve Him. There's no reason for me to prove my faith to you people. I'm just asking for a little money, here."

Full Throttle, Inc. declined to a request to comment late Wednesday evening. The deal between the company and Robertson is reportedly in the twenty-millions.

American Sewage Ltd. to Launch Nationwide High School Stool Safety Program

by Lettuce Rothchild




After being sued out the ass for distributing a skincare drug that ruptures bowels, American pharmaceutical companies everywhere are relying on a shady government bailout to resurrect their respective economies. Surprisingly enough, that under-the-table sponsorship isn't going to research and development for a new skincare drug. The funding has been made specifically for teen stool health.

Concerned Teens America (a parent's perspective)[CTA(APP)] is conducting a nationwide operation in which they will awaken teens to take proper care of their bowels. As of now the program consists of 3 educational seminars a semester, an information kit with starter-level hygienic colon apparatuses, and a "Run for the Runs for Fun" 5km footrace.

While no official news has been heard, Cathleen Keendler, chairwoman of CTA(APP) has been heard saying that she hopes Stool Safety courses will eventually integrate into high school curriculum. "That whole thing with those acne pills" Says Keendler, "was entirely the kids' fault. Sure the pills irritated the colon like none other, but every teen should know how to care for their rear port in a situation like this. Are you telling me this new generation of parents aren't potty training anymore? Forget about it "

New Mexico Congressman Tries to Make Spanish Illegal

by Brent Icecream



Ben Bryson, once of the Albuquerque-based think tank Americans for All of America (AAA) and now State Representative for New Mexico's newly established fourth congressional district submitted a bill that would outlaw the Spanish language in America. He said, "I, for one, and many other good Americans I have met and gotten to know in my district really find it a vile tongue that should not be spoken in our good land." The proposed action would mandate that Spanish not be spoken or written within American borders.

Historians across America see this as the gross ignorance of an elected official. As any fifth-grade history student knows, Florida was the first colony of the continental U.S., and as it was operated by Spaniards, they all spoke Spanish. Dr. Herbert Blafinx of Camden College posted a controversial YouTube protest video of himself in a mask of Ben Bryson spitting at and biting a copy of Don Quixote, then ripping the book to shreds while screaming at the camera.

Most representatives see the bill as a clear violation of the First Amendment, but since Bryson claims that Spanish impedes his personal liberty some might not consider it constitutionally protected speech. He actually seemed very optimistic for the outcome of the vote when the measure is sent to the House Floor in two months, he was albeit visibly intoxicated while granting our interview. "Yeah, I'm bettin' that the Hispanics will all clear out when this passes, too. Wait, this part's off the record, right?"

Hitler Doll First in Line of Racist Toys

by Adam Salmon



At a press conference at his label's headquarters in Hillsboro, West Virginia this morning, Resistance Records CEO Erich Gliebe announced that his business would be branching into a new trade. Beginning next year, a line of action-figure dolls based on pro-White ideologists will be released to the public. Gliebe remarked, "Yeah, little white boys and girls should know who their most important and inflential ancestors were. It sickens me that the works of Sir Francis Galton, Charles Davenport, Madison Grant, and David Duke are not being ingrained into our children's minds as they should. Preferrably, this would be done through a fascist disciplinarian education system, but not even West Virginia is ready for that kind of stuff."

Gliebe included that the toys will be packaged with biographies of the specific person upon which each is based. This seems a bit faulty considering the target age group for these action figures is six to ten. However, Gliebe assured that this was intentional. "The marketing boys at RR have been doing lots of research and they're totally certain that small children want to read biographical literature. Hell, we make our kids read 'em every night before bed."

Pre-orders for the products has nonetheless been non-existant; not one has been placed. "We're sure that toy chains will catch on to the idea eventually," Gliebe said as he exited the stage. Upon hearing of the product line, Toys "R" Us Chairman and CEO Gerald Storch replied, "What is this (expletive) thinking? I wouldn't buy this (expletive) even if I was a racist. The design is totally '90's." Storch went on to hypothesize as to how Gliebe's family history of inbreeding might have affected Gliebe's decision to produce such low-quality play things (and be a militant racist).

Equestrian Marco-Polo All The Rage

by John Granite




Scones, 4 o'clock tea, rainy weather. These are all things you might associate with the wonderful world of the United Kingdom. But Marco-Polo? Students all across her lady's lavish land have been playing equestrian Marco-Polo right on the quad. It all started at Lord Blewhersh's University, where two students, Maximillian Poppindale and Frederick Avamont, began playing the game sort of as a joke.

"It just caught on," says Poppindale. "People thought we were being serious, so they all started to join in. It ended up being pretty cool, I would say." So far, 12 students walking on campus have been trampled by a blind, mounted participant. "We play a dangerous game, those kids should have kept their heads up. Not my fault they were trying to get to class. Or whatever"

After relaying all of this information with our experts here on staff, we have discovered that the game plays a similar role as ultimate frisbee does in the U.S.A. Poppindale went on to say "it's just so convenient, I mean everybody knows how to play, and everybody's got a horse. What better way to kill a few hours between classes?"

Caucasian Applicants to Georgia State University Skyrocket After Addition of Football Team

by Kirk Meteor



For a school that normally maintains a reputation as a Black one, Georgia State University has received a significant increase of White applicants in the past semester. Experts have relayed the source of the pasty influx to the recently acquired football team. "It makes perfect sense," says Dr. Raiid Sepalataki, an expert on racial statistics. "All the white kids living around Atlanta don't have to run away to Athens to enjoy college football anymore. It truly is their creed."

At the same time, high schools all across the state are now recommending the school to their students. "Georgia State University is a well-rounded institution that has recently made leaps and bounds in offering anything a freshman student would desire," Says Pam Dancey, a counselor at Dumbledutch High School. "And the kids love their football, what can I say!"

Nobody up at UGA has said anything yet, but Dr. Sepalataki has surmised that they "are probably pretty pissed off."

Dennis Quaid Goes Vegan

by Edwin Fool



In a statement released by Dennis Quaid's paternal cousin Thursday evening, the actor has been living a vegan lifestyle now for over a month and will "definitely stick with it." While most of Quaid's Hollywood friends are applauding this change, many of his fans are not satisfied. "I show The Rookie and have a beer with my kids all the time," says Budd Muleke of Valdosta, Georgia. "But now that I know Mr. Quaid is a vegetable-lovin' fairy I don't think his films are really appropriate for my family anymore." Quaid has yet to make any form of apology.


In fact, Mr. Quaid has been in seclusion within his Manhattan penthouse for the last few weeks, and his behavior has growbn increasingly unnerving. Neighbors claim to have seen various exotic animals, exercise equipment, and massive amounts of artificial flowers being delivered to Quaid's address. Among the deliveries were three white-fronted capuchin monkeys, several egrets, 72 Total Gym packages, and a blue-ringed octopus with its own 700-gallon tank. There have also been two recent incidents involving Quaid and the local fire department. The FDNY was dispatched to his residence three weeks ago to extinguish an out-of-control fire Quaid kindled in his bedroom, then again nine days later for the same reason. On that occasion, the fire was located in the kitchen.

According to Quaid's cousin, however, the actor is in good spirits and plans to start work on both the prequel and sequel to Pandorum this Fall. He also is in talks to co-fund a wildlife preserve in Croatia.

Yeungling No Longer America's Oldest Brewery

by Manfred Salinger



In a press conference early Wednesday morning, Richard Yeungling confirmed rumors which have been circulating for the past week. "Dr. Swivelstein of the Alaskan Wilderness Institute recently contacted me to inform our company of the discovery of a clandestine brewery operated by Anuun Kapik of the Tlingit Nation. This brewery has supposedly been in operation since the mid-1600's, so...we're not the oldest anymore."

After the conclusion of these two sentences, Mr. Yeungling folded up his remarks and exited the conference. Press correspondents, including those sent by this publication, were left confused as to what the future of the company would be. At this point in time, D.G. Yeungling & Son have kept to their previously scheduled production.

Once Mr. Yeungling was gone, Mr. Kapik took the stage to discuss the future of his brewery. "Well, I never even knew about the world outside of "Alaska," as you whites call it, until last week. However, I think it would be in everyone's best interest if I incorporated our facility immediately." He went on to say, "My sons and I have been talking, and I think we have settled on Kapik & Sons as our title."

This statement caused quite a stir among those present, as it is almost the name of Yeungling's company verbatim, but Mr. Kapik was quick to dispell any notions of copy-catting. "Hey, my sons work there - all eleven of them. We were also here first...so Mr. Yeungling can (expletive) deal with it. Our beer is better, anyways."

Editor's Note: Mr. Kapik mandated that Yeungling and their logo could not be used in conjunction with his image. Therefore, we provided the "circle-slash" in order to protect ourselves legally.

NBA to Practically Re-write Entire Rulebook

by T.S. Chu




Last Tuesday in Micnorill, New York, NBA Commissioner Stern announced a planned re-write of the league rulebook. "When we said 'Re-write' we were being a little over-dramatic," says NBA Commissioner Stern. "What's going on here is each rule is getting pushed back a number, to make way for a new number 1 rule."

"The new number one rule is that a species playing in the NBA must be of genus Homo Sapiens (pfff In English please?). We have had multiple upcoming Canine stars in the past few years, and after rigorous testing we have come to the conclusion that the dogs just won't be able to play in our league. Not yet." The commissioner closed these statements with a joke and a reminder that Fletch was on USA tonight.

While the sports community wholly agrees with the decision, animal rights activists are acting out with an enormous, million dollar campaign: "Let The Pups Play." More on that maybe later

Thruit Craze Sweeps America

by Flint Martinez



Dole Foods' new product Thruit (THumb fRUIT) has incited the nation to frenzy. People everywhere of all colors, creed, and backgrounds have fallen in love with the portable, cheap alternative to traditional fruit. The best part: Thruit is available in nearly every supermarket, gas station, restaurant and convenience store in America due to a new law enacted by the House of Respresentatives which mandates that people must have access to fresh fruit wherever they go. As Thruit is not only portable, but also delicious, its sale is most practical in order to satisfy the law.

This legislation is only part of an international effort to increase fruit consumption around the world, which nutritionists claim is at a level lower than any before or since. Dole Chairman David Murdock's reaction to the law, titled Fruit and Health Act of 2010, was enormously positive. "I'm just glad our legislators have finally seen just how necessary fruit is to the American public's diet, both mental and physical." He went on to include that Dole's quarterly earnings are at record highs. The consumption of Thruit will undoubtedly spread exponentially.

Thruit is available in most varieties of normal fruit that are thumb-friendly. These include apple, banana, orange, pear, kiwi, mango, lemon, lime, and many others. Dole has also begun experimentation with Thruit hybrids made from both smaller and thumb-sized fruits such as cherry/apple (Cherpple), banana/grape (Banape), and blackberry/mango (Blango). Expect these raw, raging, revolutionary products in stores very soon.

An Apology Letter From The Editor

On behalf of my entire staff (and myself), I would like to apologize for yesterday's lack of entry. We work very hard here, compiling the best story for you to hear. That one great story every day. We know many folks out there like to start their morning with this publication, or go to bed with it every night. That's why we work so very hard for that one story! Sorry!

Sincerely,

Carl Zimmerman

P.S. Anybody seen my shoes? shoot me an email thx

Mr. Darcy and Bret Michaels go Head-to-head for Title of "Sexiest Fictional Man 2010"

by Dr. Caleb Lode



After exactly one year of anticipation and predictions, it has been determined that Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of the Jane Austen novel Pride And Prejudice will be facing off against fictional person and rock and roll legend Bret Michaels for the title of "Sexiest Fictional Man 2010."

An annual award created by the community of the World of Women, a massively-multiplayer online game (or MMO for short) conceived by BIZARRE entertainment, 2010's "Sexiest Fictional Man" has been hugely anticipated throughout this freak-like niche of society.

"Every year we receive millions of sexy fictional men suggestions from our community," says World of Women supervisor Denielle Frye. This is the biggest event held by this community (or should I say freak-a-mmunity), and its coordinators pool all of their efforts every year to make sure no one is turned off. "We try to please as many as our users as we can with this event, and I believe we have hit the nail on the head yet again." For the love of God let's hope they did

Coke to Launch "Green" Can

by Debbie Khuul



In an unmarked envelope received at our offices early this morning, we learned of plans by Coca-Cola to create what is being called a new "green can." Prototype photographs sent with internal company documents confirmed the anonymous asstertions. However, while some communications included in the parcel say that the new can will "revolutionize the drinking experience" and "add dimensions of flavor," accompanying design models show what appears to be a traditional aluminum can - painted green.

There is also no indication that the product will have a more environmentally concious design than Coke's current can, despite the fact that it will be marketed as "green." Apparently, the modifier is simply being used to describe the can's new color.

Chairman and CEO of The Coca-Cola Company, Muhtar Kent, did not return a call placed to his office at Coke's headquarters in Atlanta. We suspect this may be due to his current family vacation in Jamaica.

Editor's Note: Text provided under the chosen prototype photo is solely the commentary by this publication.

Estefan's Super Bowl Prediction: "Whatever Team Elway Is On"

by Ben Roethlisberger



During an off-camera interview Wednesday afternoon, Gloria Estefan revealed her pick for this year's Super Bowl winner. Her choice, however, was somewhat puzzling at best and horribly offensive at worst. Ms. Estefan was quoted saying, "I will stand behind my little salchicha, John Elway. He may be number seven on the field but he will always be number one in my heart."

Apparently, she was not aware that Elway retired in 1999 after his last Super Bowl victory. Neither did she know that his number has now been retired from all of professional football, as well. It is currently a Category III infraction in the National Football League (NFL) to wear a jersey with the number seven (7).

In fact, even after meeting with the majority of team owners/managers in the League to discuss various deals, Elway has remained in retirement until this day. Good thing, too, because at this rate he would probably be as brain damaged as Peyton and Eli Manning combined. Thank God he also has not yet turned out like Tim Tebow, playing for the Broncos (again). Just so you know, Mr. Elway, it is such an incredible opportunity just to be writing about you and your biggest fan, Gloria, in the same piece.

Danny and Crispin Glover to Resurrect Legendary Video Game Franchise

by Raynald Smatts



In a press conference at Best Buy last Tuesday, Danny and Crispin Glover both announced their partnership in funding the return of Glover; the seminal Nintendo 64 hero whose 1998 release "Glover" was one of the top-selling video games of the 90's. Glover 2 will be available on all platforms, and is slated for a March 2011 release.

Glover was quoted to say that "Glover 2 is one of the most exciting projects I've been involved with in a long time. The graphics and gameplay, of course, have been revamped for the 21st century. But what attracted me most to the project was the direction the writers were taking Glover as a character."

While he didn't pull his funding, the other Glover had said he was "not that into it." While rumors of a guest voice-over appearance are circulating, no real information on this Glover's involvement has surfaced.

EXCLUSIVE - Pesci Arrested For Outstanding Traffic Violations

by Dick Winking



Joe Pesci was taken into custody early Tuesday morning in a massive police roundup of citizens with outstanding arrest warrants due to automobile-related offenses. Specifically, Pesci's record showed twelve unpaid parking tickets, five moving violations, and an unrelated offense involving rackateering. He had nothing to say at the time of his arrest.

However, once Pesci was taken to the police station, he started hurling obscenities at law enforcement personnel. One such bombastic comment: "You (expletive) cops, I'm gonna (expletive) (expletive) every last member of every one of your (expletive) families!" After being initially processed, Pesci was released on $50,000 bail.

Pesci's lawyer said he plans on remaining at home for the foreseeable future. His liscence and insurance information were confiscated by police. Pesci's lawyer added that he will be filing a counterclaim for these actions.

Tony Shalhoub to Perform at Ambient Music Festival

by Dick Winking


In a statement released by his publicist Monday afternoon, actor Tony Shalhoub revealed that he will be appearing at the Ambling Ambient Festival in San Francisco this Halloween weekend. Shalhoub will conduct a lecture regarding ambient music's rich history and its impact on American society to kick-off the Festival's festivities.

The following two days will consist of music by various ambient acts, including Shalhoub's own group, TS and the Mess, who will perform on the Festival's Valhalla Stage. Shalhoub commented, "I've been working on a personal training regimen over the past month to adequately prepare. The band has also been holding four-hour rehearsals daily. Needless to say, it'll be bitchin'."

Weekend-long passes to Ambling go onsale this weekend at select Ticketmaster outlets which will only be disclosed to certain Ticketmaster Rewards members (but no one is saying who). Festival organizers said this is an aim to "be as exclusive as humanly possible."

Letter From the Editor

Carl Zimmerman



Let me first say it is with great pleasure to introduce you good people to the brand-new Daily Jew, internet edition. Nobody really wanted to put my paper into print so I am very thankful the internet could help me get the news to you. We've put together a great staff (as a former basketball coach I know a thing or two about putting a team together ;-) ) and cannot wait to get all of the latest, breaking news to you, the viewer. We're all very excited and hope you enjoy what we've put together!

Please visit me at carlzimmerman.com

Thank you